You are wise to ask. There are plenty of reasons to start a blog, but the honest truth is simple, I wanted to heal from a recent trauma. Recently, I experienced one of the worst moments of my life, well so far, and as I went through it, I felt I could never survive it. The experience reignited my anxiety attacks and forced me to return to therapy. My previous traumas came racing to the forefront of my brain and set up camp. I would have waves of grief and my depression was creeping in rapidly. There were moments where I felt ready to commit myself because I couldn’t trust myself. It was the self-awareness and self-care that protected me. I won’t lie, the 90 days of torture as I refer to them now, were enlightening.
In those 90 days, I left a position I loved for the opportunity to earn more money and a chance to change the world. I noticed my happiness began to dwindle but fought through. I kept telling myself I had to make sacrifices if I was going to accomplish all my dreams and provide for my family. That was stressor one. I had my 3rd class of my doctorial program and had the pressure of writing weekly essays 10 to 20 pages long, on top of reading 3 books and weekly articles. That was stressor two. I was the primary caregiver to my child who had just turned six and began to have intense behavioral issues. Stressor three. My parenting style differed from my mothers, and she constantly contradicted me, including criticizing my parenting in front of my child. This created a lack of support and truthfully, intense mother’s guilt. Stressor four. All stressors met when I received a visit from Child Protective Services. Stressor five. Suddenly, my child’s father wanted to take away my child due to a false report and I crumbled. Stressor six. Within days, I lost the new job and was returned to a previous position but with half the salary, no reasoning, and I had to pretend I was okay. Stressor seven.
I had seven reasons to want to give up. I informed my therapist; I would give up. I would give up my child, my home, my career, my education, everything, just to no longer feel the aching pain and the darkness that loomed over my head. She asked me, ‘Is that what you want? Would that make you better?’ I sobbed and said no. I could handle losing a job, I’ve been fired before. I could handle the loss of income and title; I could find another job later on. I could take a break from school, but I knew I would finish. I just couldn’t lose my daughter. But I do need help. Lots of it. I do too much, and I don’t know why I cannot rest. Somehow, as my therapist put it, I persevered. My wonderful therapist asked me to dig deep and to figure out what I wanted most.
‘To be happy.’ I knew the answer but didn’t know how to get there. I didn’t know what specific work would get me to stay happy. I had experienced moments of happiness but maintaining in a state of happiness felt foreign. I felt stuck, crying daily. I felt the fire inside me that once drove me to be brave and optimistic was dying. I lost my appetite, my insomnia returned, and I was a zombie getting around with puffy eyes. I felt like a shell of a human. And to be completely honest, I am starting to believe those 90 days of torture, were probably the best thing to happen to me, not for what it took, but for what I gained.
No, I never learned why I was fired, and I still harbor some bitterness, which will go away with time. But it did force me to ask for help with my child. Their father is now more involved and is slowly learning how challenging it is to be an active, daily parent versus the weekend only seen only twice or thrice a month. It forced us to discuss the difficulties of our strained relationship and years of resentment for things done or not done. We are co-parenting and communicating regularly now which has improved our child’s behavior. The 90 days forced me to speak up for myself and set boundaries with my family. I wouldn’t tolerate anyone criticizing me and my decisions, especially my mother. I didn’t pause school, I’m still in it. I reached out to my professors and informed them, I was struggling and would benefit from their assistance. Since I’m in a post graduate program, our class size grew smaller and smaller each term. Life happened and the university understood, they also respected my decision to continue but to monitor my progress. I have a kind counselor who checks in on me every few weeks to double check I am okay.
I’m still in my weekly therapy sessions, which are emotionally draining but so helpful. I know one day, I won’t need therapy, but I acknowledge that right now, I do. When it comes to therapy, I know some people can be afraid, but I hope you wouldn’t shy away from it. Therapy is meant to be draining, and sometimes scary and uncomfortable. If it was fun and easy, everyone would do it, and it wouldn’t be called work, if it wasn’t. Therapy is work, it’s setting time aside every week or whenever you set it up, and it’s meant to be used to reflect on what bothers you most and heal. But as my therapist said, ‘coming in once a week is great, I love seeing you, but it isn’t everything if you won’t do the work outside of the session.’ And they are 100% right. So if you plan to consider therapy, please do, but be ready to do the work both in session and out. Therapy doesn’t have to be forever, it’s just until you feel you don’t need it anymore. A good therapist will know.
Simply put, I gained:
· Freedom (no longer working a position that made me miserable)
· Parenting Support (no longer parenting alone)
· Boundaries (no longer being disrespected)
· Academic Support (counselors & professors aware of mental health)
· A voice (working through trauma with therapist)
I have been trying to do more for myself than for others, but that also makes me, me. I enjoy helping others. And as sad as I felt, as ready as I was to walk away from everything, including the career I worked so hard in for the last decade. I found a glimmer of hope of what would come next. This is where you and the blog come in. This is my re-awakening, my cleansing. I shed 90 days of tears so hopefully, you don’t have to, or at least, don’t have to do it alone. One day, I hope to run a large non-profit organization and help many like me or like you. But to get there, I need to start here. I have an amazing story, and I want to share it with you.
I plan to share many details of my life with you, some pretty and some not so pretty. I’ll share some tips I learned along the way, and what mistakes to avoid. This way, I get to heal, and you get to learn you aren’t alone. I have a journal, that I have slowly filled throughout the years to help motivate me, so I’ll leave you with these words:
‘Be fearless in the pursuit of what sets your soul on fire.’
I don’t know who said them, but they have lived in my journal since the day, I found them. I have many dreams, many that you will learn of and hopefully be part of. I plan to do my best and help you. In future posts, I’ll further discuss in detail:
· How to handle job loss/termination
· What to do when CPS comes to your home
· How to effectively co-parent
· How to handle parenting and work/higher education
· How to set boundaries
· What are the benefits of seeking mental health services like therapy
In summary, these were things I wish I knew by JG.
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